Here's to us. Who's like us? DAMN FEW.

Congratulations to the LA Kings on their victory, and congratulations to Rob Scuderi, who is awesome and deserves great things.

Enjoy your summer, friends.

And, as always:

GO PENS

Because accusing people of being pedophiles is HILARIOUS, rite?


Link to the post.
apparently making graphics containing inappropriate statements that you don't agree wtih and plastering on the Internet is acceptable?
I mean we're all for free speech, when it isn't outlandish and hateful.

Pedophiles molest children.
Brooks Orpik is a hockey player.
What on earth makes someone request this graphic in the first place?
Basement-dwelling bullshit on the level of Reddit.
Which is apparently from a Penguins fan?
Girl you gotta get your mind right.  There are some things we don't make lulz.  Violence and sex can be made campy--that's why those are our jokes.  Really isn't anything you can do to camp-ify child abuse and general inappropriate behavior. 

EVERYTHING IS HILARIOUS

GO DEVILS 

Probably on the Kings bandwagon screaming into the void and fellating everyone.

I know we shouldn't be mad at the Kings or hoping they don't win because they're an 8 seed, wouldn't that be cool
But we're just assholes. We're not sorry. THE HIPSTEREST OF THE HIPSTERS AND THE BEARDS AND THE URBAN OUTFITTERS

Could Ilya ever swap out his early-2000's girl jeans for some pegged black slacks and some flannel?
Who knows?



With Ham Jizz we stand.

GO DEVILS

feel free to discuss the SCF in the comments, if you still love us.

Isn't all of this Internet chirping getting out of hand?
I mean. That's an erroneous statement. People have been dicks about being fans of something since fandom came to be and since people started using words, so it's been probably millions of years since this whole chirping thing has been ~out of hand.
We'll say it right now and we don't care who reads it: the cocky Kings fans right now need to get fucking humble. It's the Stanley Cup, it isn't exactly easy, and just because some dude on some other team is laid a cheap shot on one player one time doesn't mean that no one on your team hasn't done the same thing. It also doesn't mean that your fans are better or more knowledgeable or that no one on your team can be called an asshole, a diver, or a piece of shit scumbag.
IT'S HOCKEY EVERYONE CHIRPS, EVERY TEAM EMPLOYS SOMEONE WHO HAS AT ONE TIME DONE SOMETHING QUESTIONABLE, AND EVERY TEAM HAS GOOD AND BAD FANS.
Even Atlantapeg. We'll concede it.
If you have a problem with that you should probably go eat a dick or something WOOOOOO SEE DID WE GET CHIRPING DOWN RIGHT.
also that one guy on your team is a scumbag he was probably in with Hitler as early as the 20's so SHUT UP.

The way this game ended was lame. Coyotes get a defenseman (well, it was Michal Roszival) taken down by Dustin Brown (being a punk) and he has to be helped off the ice and all of a sudden. . .~goal~.


Sad day. We wanted to see Ray Whitney raise it this year.


Based on NBC's camera angle, they did get close enough to intimately brush cheeks. Someone write the one-shot NC-17 fanfic on LiveJouranl STAT!


Brown is a coward. but you knew this.
Quick, Doughty, Kopitar, etc. all solid players. Our anger is based on being outnumbered. We thirsted for blood, what we got was a fucking fairytale, and we aren't even in it.


We are on Team Christmas Ham for the lulz and to piss everyone off.

But we really do love Zach Parise (aka one of many Captain Americas) and Petey. Yes, the Petey you all know and love. Even if he isn't playing at the moment.




The Rangers are whatevs.
At this point we want the outcome that is going to piss off the maximum amount of people.
It's sports, it's the one area of your life where it's permissible to be bitter.

So hop on the Devils train, it's the flag we're flying. If they win the Cup we might buy Brodeur jerseys.

Take nothing we say to heart.

Go Pens. Go Devils.

Come on if Brooks Orpik thinks being gay is perfectly all right how can you say no?
Do you want to wake up with your family eviscerated?

We love You Can Play. I mean we're the kind of people who like to make firm stances about equality ~in general~ but their narrow focus is bringing attention to a very important issue.
Also, Brooks Orpik.

We're in a fight with the Coyotes btw and we know everyone is on LA's dick but really.

Team New Jersey? GO PENS

Officially Team Marty/Petey/Mark Fayne unf unf.

 
newfound respect for The Fat.

~GO PENS~ IN THE FUTURE AND BEYOND
but the Devils are our boys tonight.

Hey let's check out some more awful experiences in applying to be a member of the promotional crew for a hockey team!
Today we lose respect for the Columbus Blue Jackets organization. Just a smidge. God damn it.
Check out the application here, all interested young folks.

It's all going really well until you get to the part where you have to upload a picture.
Then there is some small, gray text.


GRRREAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTT.

But I mean only the ladies.
Wouldn't want any women who don't have rock-hard flat stomachs, regardless of athleticism/ability to skate, doing fan promotions in PUBLIC of all places.

We really need to know why it is the norm for NHL teams to discriminate against women based on their bodies.  We understand, as we discussed in our super controversial post about the Penguins ice crew, that this is an entertainment position and that they should hire outgoing, friendly people who present themselves well.
But I mean, break out the bikinis, right?
Notice that men aren't asked to show their stomachs.
Let's shame women based on their topless appearance!
Clearly this will get us the most enthusiastic, capable, and qualified applicants!

Anyone who says "sex sells, I like to look at ice girls" is perfectly entitled to that opinion; however, we are of the belief that hockey isn't an appropriate venue for this kind of judgment.
We also understand that this type of work can be considered a resume-builder for people interested in modeling and other types of public, advertising work based on appearance.
But obviously, there are other kinds of beauty.
That is a larger problem with society, but still. 
It's like, god forbid we parade women around who don't fit this particular paradigm of fitness and beauty.
How about we stop parading around women?

To the credit of the NHL Blue Jackets Twitter (and the fact that this post probably means nothing and no one who works in hockey promotions at all will ever care about our opinion, because that's the way the world works), they did respond to me:



That page, by the way, can be found here, and looks like this.  Couldn't get the whole spread in the pic, but you get the idea:


We also don't want to hate on these women or these men.
We hope they feel awesome about their bodies and are happy people.  We also hope they are good at their jobs.
And they're probably nice people.  It's not my job to shame them for fitting into the mold, so to speak.

But on the other hand, this is a backwards response.
Why do you have to make women send you pics of their stomachs?  Because of the uniform.
But why do you have the uniform?  Because we want this type of stomach.

It all comes down to the application process.  It's skeezy and inequitable because it never comes out and says what it is, explicitly.  I don't know why everyone is okay with skirting around the issue: we're hiring women based largely on their sex appeal because sexy women thrown into the mix at hockey games is a generally accepted marketing practice that we are totally behind.  We want model types.  No fatties.

It's not simply an exercise in doing arena work in the realm of fan promotions.  It's never going to be about your enthusiasm or ability to do the work.  It's something else entirely and it always will be.  It just looks so sneaky on the page.
And yes: it sends a negative sexual message to females who are interested in working in sports entertainment at any level.

or maybe we're just butthurt because we're not pretty or something idk.

The Columbus Blue Jackets organization is still one of our favorites and it's a team we'll stand behind every day of the week because we want to see them succeed, but the game is played on the ice and we don't have to approve of this from any sports organization.
Women are people who deserve a legitimate place in any organization's payroll, but we really think something is wrong when a minor part of the arena experience that could be fun for EVERYONE is reduced to a judmgent call about women's stomachs.  There are lots of people at the game who probably don't care, including straight female fans, homosexual male fans, and children.  We totally understand that this type of promotional crew is crafted to appeal most to the heterosexual male fan who apparently needs some extra eye candy, but isn't it time to stop crafting your marketing strategy to appeal to just one type of person?  Is it socially acceptable yet to dig diversity?  That the fan experience at the arena can be bettered by trimming all of this stupid stuff and focusing on creating an inclusive community that doesn't have an undertone of random sex appeal?

We honestly don't know what the Pepsi Power Patrol even does.  They apparently don't have to skate.
w/e

 It just seems so old-fashioned and stupid that we continue to pay women to appeal to someone else's idea of "hot."

come at me bro

Go Pens. 

ETA:


Thanks, Blue Jackets Organization, for dealing with this better than the Penguins did.
i.e. with silence.
whoever runs the CBJ Twitter is definitely all right. 

REASONS YOU SHOULD ROOT FOR THE COYOTES FOR THE REST OF THE POSTSEASON
1. Ray Whitney

Ray Whitney is the kind of guy who plays his balls off.
He is also nearing 40 and continues to be an extremely prolific scorer on a team that would never be considered "high octane."
He is also kind of adorable. But w/e.
If there's any player nearing retirement age who deserves another Cup we think it's this guy. The Coyotes pulled off a stunner against Nashville last night thanks to his heroics, and it was a great OT goal born of perseverance.
Speaking of what got Phoenix to that great moment, however. . .

2. MIKE FUCKING SMITH AND HIS BALLS (BIGGER THAN YOURS)
This is Mike Smith's time to shine.
He played for the Stars and Tampa before this so it's not like he had a lot of realistic playoff dreams to hold onto.
The Coyotes are really pulling off an underrated performance in general, but Mike Smith is the man who is keeping them in it. He is robotic in the best possible way.

This is the guy who set a record for shots on goal against in a regular season shutout. I mean the previous recordholder was Craig Anderson. But clearly he is in his element and heating up at the right time of the year. To be tending goal like this as a 161st overall draft pick must be pretty cool.
We believe in his capacity for championship. He is kind of a swarthy mystery.

He just doesn't even care. And he proved his superiority to Pekka Rinne, at least for one night. His performance will likely decide this series.

3. Rostislav Klesla

Warrior whose name is fun to say.
Also, great if you are a Penguins fan who misses rooting for a responsible d-man who can get shots on net from the blueline.

4. Do you really care about Alexander Radulov?

Nope, us neither.

REASONS YOU MIGHT WANT TO ROOT FOR NASHVILLE

Big Harold.


Cases can be made for all 4 teams remaining in the West, however.

If you're rooting for anyone in the East, well. . .good luck and you suck.

Will be periodically running Coyotesblog til the bitter end.



Go Yotes, Go Pens

We've been calling for Killing Moon by Echo and the Bunnymen to be the theme of this series and somehow it's making more sense because we lost and this isn't exactly the most thrilling song of all time.
Some luxury car used this in their commercial with some fucking vampires. Idiots.


This offseason is probably going to be tumultuous. This isn't a club that should expect or appreciate first round exits.
We believe that the Penguins mentally lost this game more than the Flyers won it from them, and that anyone who says otherwise is making shit up.
But we're biased, obviously.
Giroux is still a misogynist. Surprisingly little Twitter chirping re: our article yesterday except some guy who said he wanted to take us to dinner and then not call us. A veteran move.


There's a lot to look forward to, though. Just not today.



One of these days. More crushing defeat pics to come, most likely.

We are on the Phoenix Coyotes/Louisiana Muskrats bandwagon for the rest of the season.

but, as an addendum, we are with you and the Pens through the thick and thin.

thanks for being magical.

go pens, forever.

Oh Jesus fucking Christ, yinz guys.

Claude Giroux: linking us up with biddies since 2012.
Check out this bullshit.


Oh all right let's just go ahead and condescend the entire female community.
"Ladies" please.
Yeah we love hockey.  We love sports and the sporting community and we love people who are a part of it (generally).  But people with divergent interests don't deserve to be treated like bitches who live under a rock and were also born yesterday.  Or lured in with some pic of Henrik Lundqvist like LOOK. . .WE HAVE HOT MEN.  You know what else has hot men?  The world of art and literature.  Rock music.  THE WORLD HAS HOT MEN.  GET USED TO IT.  And Henrik is also the Lowest Common Denominator of hockey attractiveness.  If he looks like GQ and not like a crazed Swede (which we know him to be) you are posturing and being shallow.  Point out talent before you point out his fucking face.  We know we walk a fine line of objectification, but ATHLETES ARE FUCKING PEOPLE and female sportsfans are generally observant of this.  Despite popular belief we are not giggling 14-year-old girls who judge people based on appearances.
And if you're in a relationship in which you feel like you are "losing" your partner to an interest it's probably time to reconsider whether or not you are compatible.
OH MY GOD HE IS AT THE BAR WATCHING THE GAME THAT IS JUST SO FRUSTRATING.
We understand that Catherine Kitts here is trying to get the otherwise-uninterested ladies to jump on board with their male-friends' hockey interests but she is also being a huge condescending bitch about it and sucking the patriarchy's dick.
For example:
- some people are not in heterosexual relationships

- why does Ms. Kitts assume that only male-female relationships display this dynamic? For example, I have a small group of female friends that I work with. Of the five of us, two of us are huge hockey fans who will be the ones insisting that we put the game on TV. Our other, female friends put up with this.

- why does she also assume that in any male-female relationship the man is guaranteed to be the more interested sportsfan? Among PH Staff, all of whom are in long-term heterosexual relationships, this is generally untrue, with the female in the relationship being either an equal or much bigger hockey fan.

- in short way to fucking stereotype; there aren't "rules" as to who is interested in something or why or how or whether they have a penis or a vagina.

- also a woman who is getting super pissed at her boyfriend for neglecting her because of a sport--this is a relationship that probably has additional problems and power structures at work. Boiling it down to "oh he likes sports and I don't I just don't understand why he can't pay more attention to my interests and therefore I will pay more attention to his and get involved lol" for comedic effect isn't actually comedic; it shows a male partner who is just tooooo into the NHL playoffs to be an attentive boyfriend and his girlfriend is pissed about it so instead of like, actually pointing to a problem in the relationship and fixing it, WE WILL GET THE LADY. INTO THE NHL. BY WAY OF HENRIK LUNDQVIST'S FACE. PROBLEM SOLVED AMIRITE.

This is a mad embarrassing tactic and the relationship between the male and the female in this hypothetical situation probably still sucks balls and is not healthy.
This is not comedy. This is not cute.

Let's break down the rest of this debacle line-by-line.

If you have a boyfriend, love his team.
Or how about be supportive of his interests but like whatever the hell you want?
My boyfriend doesn't HAVE a team, what am I supposed to do then?
Play all the video games he plays and give up my interest in the NHL playoffs, perhaps?
lol no. We will separately maintain interests in the things we love because that is cool!

If you don’t, pick a team. A good team (do some research). Don’t pick a team because you like their jerseys or because you like Mike Fisher. We all get it, he’s hot and great.
Well, Mike Fisher isn't hot. But w/e we get the point.
But I mean don't feel like you're being forced into picking a team. Like what you like. Hockey is cool and we will espouse its greatness for days on end if asked to do so but like. Seriously. Shut up. LIKE WHAT YOU LIKE, PEOPLE. And if you are drawn to a team because you think the jersey is cool or some dude is cute or they just happen to play in your hometown and end up just REALLY HAVING FUN AT THE FUCKING HOCKEY GAME, good for you.
But be sure you are having fun at the hockey game. If you're not having fun, you should probably go and do something that you do think is fun.
What constitutes a "good team" anyway?
Are all the Toronto fans who suffer for their team because they grew up with it shitty human beings?
Repeat: like what you like. It's not the responsibility of a female to have to justify every goddamn thing she does because of some bizarre sports misogyny.

Once you have a team, know when they play. ie “Hey Rick, we watching the Flyers game tonight?” He will be so impressed that he may fall in love on the spot, or at least cook you a nice meal sometime.
BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY TO IMPRESS A MALE HOCKEY FAN IS TO KNOW WHEN HIS TEAM IS PLAYING.
HE IS A ONE-DIMENSIONAL INDIVIDUAL AND THE ONLY REASON HE WILL EVER LIKE YOU IS IF YOU KNOW HIS TEAM'S SCHEDULE.
YOU SHOULD FAKE INTEREST IN A SUBJECT YOU HAVE NO INTEREST IN. SOLELY FOR DICK.

Once you pick a team learn a few players’ names so you can try and contribute to the “hockey talk”. Random facts are key. ie ”You boys know why they sing God Bless America rather than the national anthem in Philadelphia? Because its been a tradition since the 70s in the playoffs” Jaws will drop.
HAHAHAHAHHA OH WE ARE JUST HAVING A LITTLE "HOCKEY TALK" OVER HERE.
BRING YOUR CRIB NOTES BECAUSE IT'S GOING TO GET INTEEEEENNNNNSE.
You need to know these things to impress people, after all. Impressing people and particularly people with penises. People with penises who like sports. They have no other interests and they will think less of you for not knowing these details.
Fake it til you make it. Your vagina is getting in the way and ruining everything.
But Catherine Kitts has a superior vagina; you better listen to her wisdom.

If someone says “Don’t you know who so and so is?” Say yes. Even if you have no idea.
BECAUSE YOU HAVE A VAGINA YOU HAVE TO LIE ABOUT THINGS YOU KNOW TO OBTAIN RESPECT.
Get this one tattooed on your wrists in case you forget.

Once your team is out, pick another team. But anytime you don’t know an answer you can now just use the excuse “Yeah sorry I only follow the…..” Scapegoat.
Wait, isn't this contradictory?
Wasn't I supposed to lie?
Well, now I'm just going to make up asshole excuses for not knowing things. Instead of just admitting, "oh no hey I didn't know that! That's interesting. I'm kinda new to all this. But I really love Team X. They're just really fun. I like going to games. But Team Y is cool too, I'm rooting for them in X Conference!"
Being honest is fucking overrated.
We will inhabit the castle of lies. Much more interesting.

Nothing is better than a girl who has her favourite team’s attire…. Especially old school. Shows you’ve been a long-time fan. Even if you haven’t.
CASTLE OF LIES IS ON LINE 2.
RING RING
Fuck you.

On game day pizza and beer always makes a great meal suggestion. Always.
I mean that's just life.
But apparently you have to be an imaginary hockey fan to understand this.

Never ever say you think a player on the opposing team is cute, because a) I dont *!@#ing care if you think he’s cute and b) he plays for the enemy. Actually, no complimenting anyone wearing the opposing team’s colours at all. Even if it fits them well, or brings out their eyes. Keep those comments to yourself.
Whoa, calm down girl.
If you're in a rage because of someone's face or a color we recommend drinking more. Or less. :/
The game happens on the ice. Right? Or am I wrong?

Don’t question any superstitions we may have about the game. ie. Specific seat, or meal / beer, can’t wash our jerseys, need a type of chew. Everything is done for a reason, one we don’t have to explain. It’s playoffs.
"need a type of chew"
lol okay
I mean yeah superstitions for fans are fun. But at the end of the day we're still pretty sure that the game is played on the ice. Could be wrong but just throwing that out there. But the likelihood of us being correct and having legitimate interests is extremely decreased due to our vaginas.

I don’t care if you don’t like my beard. It’s tradition. Say you like it.
This sounds rape-y. Calm down there, Catherine, seriously.  Do you need a breather?

If we’re watching at home don’t ask to flip during commercials. We’re likely flipping between 3 games. Or more.
People who flip during commercials are, on principle, annoying, whether you're watching the NHL or not. But we'll chalk this up to "welp."

If we’re not watching together, an intermission is a great time to text. Even a TV time out is ok. Do not text me when we’re on the penalty kill and down 3-2. Or in overtime. Or anytime at all during the game.
Because texting is a super obtrusive thing to do in any situation. Even if you really need something. If you had a bad day and want to talk later. If your car is broken down and you need a ride. If your mother is dead. Better yet. . .as a shitty boyfriend if you text me during the game I am going to throw my phone against the wall in protest. Taking my lead from Claude Giroux of course.

Never use the term “well they tried hard” I mean I damn well hope they tried hard, they’re professional hockey players and this is the PLAYOFFS.
Dipping out of sarcasm mode for a hot second:
This comment clearly comes from someone who doesn't know the first thing about work ethic or the NHL playoffs.
Work your ass off sometimes and you still lose. It happens. Good teams lose with their dignity intact. It happens. If you can't stick with your team through that, you're a bad fan.

Don’t ask me if I really need another beer because I really don’t but I’m stressed out and it makes me feel better.
This sentence doesn't even make sense.

Don’t tell a guy “he’s too drunk”. There is a method to his madness. If his team is winning, he’s drinking to celebrate. If it’s a tight game he’s drinking because he’s nervous. If they are getting killed, he’s drinking to forget. Best way to handle it is get as drunk as he is, and try and feel the same way.
No. This is patently untrue and also dangerous. Sometimes people can get too drunk. And sometimes they really get hurt.
"get as drunk as he is and try to feel the same way" might be the worst relationship advice of all time. This probably leads to alcoholism and codependency. Not that we're experts or anything.

Accept the fact that I will use horrible, horrible language at home, at the game, at the bar, in the car, and in front of children if something goes wrong in the game I am watching.
Only men in relationships ever swear about anything.
Keep your demure character intact, ladies.

If it goes into overtime, we’re watching it. Yes, sometimes it takes forever and yes that means you might not be able to watch Grey’s Anatomy. We’re watching it.
Oh man this is inexcusable.
We as women missed the memo that we are expected to care about Grey's Anatomy and be huge control freaks about the television.
. . .Does this mean we're not actually females?
We'd appreciate an update from Ms. Kitts on this matter post-haste.

If they don’t win, don’t talk about it unless your complaining about the refs.
Or you know be honest about why your team lost and don't blame it on officiating.
Apparently this is a guide to being the worst fan of all time.

Don’t you dare celebrate if my team gets bumped out of the playoffs because that means we can start hanging out again. I’ll break up with you. I mean it.
. . .my brain is broken. I quit. This sounds like the worst relationship ever. "start hanging out again"? when did we stop hanging out? OH WAIT I FORGOT WE HAVE NOTHING IN COMMON BECAUSE YOU ARE A MAN AND THEREFORE LIKE SPORTS AND KNOW LOTS ABOUT IT BUT I'M A GIRL SO I ONLY HAVE BIDDY INTERESTS LIKE GREY'S ANATOMY. REMIND ME WHY WE ARE DATING AGAIN?

And most importantly, DON’T ASK QUESTIONS. Like if I’m yelling “That’s *$!#ing offside, didn’t you see that?” you may not know what offside is, but you agree. “Totally offside.” Questions are for the internet.
. . .
oh wait castle of lies right right. PH Staff encourages you to ask questions at all points in your life.
Anyone who hates you for asking questions is a shitty friend who should be destroyed.

So there you have it ladies. You should now be well equipped to score some serious girlfriend points over the next few weeks. My best advice? Get. On. Board. Sure you might not take an interest in men batting around a puck, bloody fights and rules you don’t understand most of the year … but the best thing about playoffs is it’s an excuse to party … every night. And what could be better than that?
So the moral of the story is to pretend you're interested in something so you can mask your drinking problem.
REALLY GREAT ADVICE AND SUPER FUNNY ARTICLE LOL

Excuse us while we vomit all over ourselves.

We're still waiting for confirmation on the murmurings we've been hearing from the underground news sources that the game takes place on the ice and that the fans of the game are interested in it because they think it's fun.
If anyone can confirm or deny this controversial rumor, email us straightaway.
We are confused and need to know the answers.

Claude Giroux is an idiot if he thinks this is good advice for any human being.
And it appears that he and Ms. Kitts hate women.  It's uncanny, really.
suck it.
go pens.